When I accepted this Fulbright grant there was a lot of uncertainty with the program. They hadn't run it in a year or so because of COVID, cancelled half way through the year before, and just trying to get things running again. No one really knew how the school year would go, if we'd be online, how testing/quarantine would go. It was all new for me just being in a foreign country, but also completely new to the Czechs here as well, even those who run the program. So much unknown and unpredictable.
This, however, was one of the last things I expected to experience during my year abroad.
Maybe that's naive of me to say, because I'll admit I was not the most up to date on foreign relations before the war started. I'm still not. But I was definitely removed from the situation and have learned quite a bit in just the past month about how long of a history this actually has. It has been such an eye-opening couple of weeks and I kinda hate hearing myself say that because it comes from such a place of privilege. It took me a full 23 years to come anywhere close to this kind of crisis where millions live with this every single day. This is not the first time this has happened, and suddenly this is the one that's getting so many people's attention. And we all know why, right. It's because Ukrainian people feel more proximate to the white Westernized world, as opposed to the millions of other refugees from the Middle East or Northern Africa, for example. There's so much to unpack with the racism involved in this war and how it's being depicted and talked about...
I've been overcome with so many different emotions since this started about a month ago and still don't know exactly how to interpret them or what to do with them so I thought I'd just unload it all here and hope that forming sentences about it will actually help me better understand in some ways how I'm feeling:
Being a teacher. To be honest I have no idea how to deal with this war. I don't know how to best explain it, how to rationalize it (if that's even possible), how best to help, how best to spend my time, etc. I don't know how BEST to do anything for myself. And I'm okay with that because I know I'm trying and there probably isn't one BEST way to do anything, right. I know I'm educating myself and doing my best. But as a teacher this year I've felt this brand new type of pressure to educate, obviously. But how are you supposed to educate about something that you don't even understand. Factually is one thing, but also emotionally, right. How do you console students who's families live in Ukraine. How do you tell students they aren't under direct threat when you don't even believe that yourself sometimes? How am I supposed to expect these students to memorize new English vocabulary when there's a literal war 7 hour drive away from us. The first week or two I really struggled myself to stay focused while also balancing my job and trying to expect the same from the students? It felt weird to go to school and almost distract ourselves from this extremely scary reality not too far away. Fulbright sent us some resources about how to teach/hold space for discussions about the war which was helpful but extremely daunting. Who makes me qualified to console these students. This happened just a day or two after it all begun and I was still in panic mode. I felt like I was suddenly responsible for much more than I knew how to handle. It also takes it to a whole new level when the topic is hard to speak about period. Combined with English, makes speaking about this probably not a realistic thing for my students. So many of my classes I offered the space to talk about it but was usually met with some silence - for a couple different reasons I presume. It's hard to come from a place where you're supposed to have answers by nature, as a teacher, and simply not have any answers for this. There's no positive spin at the end, no resolution or practical way to make this better. It just is.
Physically proximate. I've had lots of people reach out to me to check in since this started. Some even admitted to me they had to look at a map to see where I was in relation to Ukraine haha. I'm 2 borders away with either Poland or Slovakia in between Czech and Ukraine, and about a 7ish hour drive from the closest border (think Baltimore - South Carolina). No I'm not anywhere near immediate threat, but I feel like I'm close. With students having families there, they're skipping school to work at the border and translate for refugees. There are Ukrainian boys and some local high schools who went home to fight. In so many ways I just feel close. Fellow teachers told me the US Military was driving through the main highway in Czechia to get to Slovakia and we even went into State of Emergency to prepare for the high number of refugees coming our way. After many of them enter Poland or Slovakia, we're likely the next border that many will make their way to. According to everyone I'd like to trust (US Embassy in Prague, Fulbright staff, news, etc) The Czech Republic is not under any direct threat and there is no reason to leave the country, but understandably this is not a comfortable feelings and since it all began about 5 Fulbrighters have quit the program. Now to my knowledge, they all had other problems going on and this was kind of the last straw, but nonetheless this is making waves everywhere. A fellow ETA said that his mom encouraged him to pack his suitcase now just in case?! I felt that to be a bit extreme but that's what I'm saying- no one knows what could happen next everyone's dealing with it in different ways. It's extremely unsettling being this physically close it's hard to put into words. I've had a colleague say to me, "Do you think that maybe the U.S. is more dangerous than Ukraine right now because of all the shootings you have?". That made me think many things. First off - the U.S. is not being bombed right now so I feel like we can't compare at this exact moment. BUT it put into perspective how the U.S. is perceived so often. It left me a little silent because I really didn't know where I'd be safest at the moment. Like would staying in small touch Czechia be any safer/more dangerous than going back home which is an hour drive from D.C.? It was an unsettling comparison to debate to say the least.
Local efforts. Now I guess something more positive I could focus on is the insane amount of support I've seen poured out all over this country. It really has been unlike anything I've seen in the U.S. considering the speed and duration thus far. My town's Facebook page has been wildly busy with families offering up their spare cottages, even their spare bedrooms. People who's Ukrainian relatives who have joined them and need extra supplies, schools taking in refugee children, fundraisers, you name it. This online group started exploding with support so fast. There was a local bus company who was making round trips to and from the border consistently, offering for strangers to pile in donations. An entire city-wide schedule for the next 2 weeks was created within seconds of concerts/cafes/events with all proceeds going towards Ukraine. Even a place of offering in the center of town was erected with flags, letters to loved ones, candles, and words of encouragement and protest. Flags are everywhere. I was inspired to go out and capture some of it because it makes me so emotional every time I walk outside and see a small town in the middle of the Czech Republic become so passionate and generous. In the midst of this I've also taken a couple trips through the Prague main train station and that was also an experience in itself. Something that made me a little sick to my stomach. Going through my normal connections the station is always busy, but nothing too wild. These past few weeks I couldn't walk through the station normally. The first weekend in particular I saw groups of people all huddled together with what seemed to be overflowing tote bags of their belongings, teams of volunteers running around with Ukrainian flags trying to flag down anyone who needed assistance. The amount of coordination there was amidst the chaos was remarkable. I could tell these volunteers were helping refugees in any way possible but with incredible efficiency, or at least it appears so. I felt guilty taking up space. I felt guilty catching a connection to celebrate a birthday weekend in Prague and yet somehow I'm still thinking about me in that. It was a bit of an out of body experience considering I've only seen scenes of overflowing airports and train stations from the news.
What's next. So obviously no one knows the answer to what's next, and I know it's something we're all trying to navigate. I think this generation of people have experienced so much trauma and crisis that we're now falling into this constant state of numbness. I feel it myself, for sure. It's like one tragedy after another and it's unfortunately becoming normal for us. COVID exacerbated my anxiety to levels I didn't know I had and forced me to live day to day with it for months - years even. And I can already feel it starting to happen with this situation. The first week was horrifying and all I could ever think about, but as the weeks go on I see myself thinking less and less about it. That's frustrating to me that I have the ability to do so. Why am I literally planning a trip to Paris when there's a war going on right next door to me. I don't know how to balance all these feelings of guilt and confusion while also trying to protect myself. I think it's just important to stay up to date and hold space for those around you who want to talk about it. I felt a lack of that here as my Czech colleagues maybe aren't as willing or able to divulge into a whole conversation about it, and same from students too - I'm thinking it's due to the language barrier of course, and maybe a general lack of global concern as I've already noticed from the Czech mindset. The other ETAs are having a flux of emotions about this too. They've been the place I turn to when we catch up on the weekends, because not even my family or friends quite understand what it's like to be here doing this job. I do feel quite lonely with this situation because I don't think anyone really knows what's best to do? It's definitely called for a couple breakdowns that haven't happened to me too much since being here. We're just doing our own thing and hoping for the best I guess.
I try not to, but just one thing after another in this world is making me feel a bit hopeless. It feels like we as humankind have just run ourselves to these absolute extremes and while none of it makes sense to me, it all kinda does at the same time. I am willing a positive future with every bone in my body, and I pray to God if there's one out there that things deescalate. And in the meantime? That's the hard part. What do we do?? Just keep going on with our daily life and hope that the visceral reaction I get with every CNN notification dies down a bit?? Guess we'll see. Any advice is soooo welcomed :)
