Remember how I was saying that the sadness hasn't hit quite yet and I'm in the "smile it happened" phase?? Well that's over. Soooo over haha. I was reminded of the feelings that come with goodbyes which I've experienced a little too many times I think than I'd like.
My 2nd to last week was weirder than I expected. Almost all of my students were gone - either on trips out of the country or completely done with classes that no one ever saw them around the school. So it was really just me, half of the teachers, and the 1st graders (freshman) who, don't get me wrong are great, but also have a bit lower level of English which makes the bonding/fun classes a little more rare. We ended up doing some activities out in the town and keeping the classes lighthearted, but I only had 4 classes - ALL week. It was probably the slowest week I've had since I've been here which was honestly an unsettling feeling since I knew time was running short. I imagined my last couple of weeks being so full of activities, super busy, hanging out with every student and teacher I could imagine.
It just wasn't like that - not necessarily worse just totally different than I expected. It actually gave me a lot of time to reflect and spend time with myself as things were wrapping up. I tried to put off a lot of my feelings for a while, but having a week of time gave me the space to process a lot, and by the end of the week I really felt that this was a natural ending to things. I remember processing it with a couple friends and sometimes it feels so abrupt and sad and scary, but for that week it felt like my year was up and it was time for a next chapter. I started to get excited for the first time about heading home not necessarily for the "home" part of it, but just a change of scenery and energy. Now, I say all that because it was exactly how I felt for that week. Come the next week and things all changed haha.
I think what really hit the hardest was hearing myself say out loud "I leave this Friday" or "I leave in 4 days". It was so much easier saying "next week" or something vague but putting a much more concrete time on things made it scarier to say. The image that kept reappearing in my head was coming back to my house and going to bed, doing my normal nighttime routine that I had my whole life. In a way, my life at home is really relaxing. I get to sleep in, go to OrangeTheory lol, visit Wegman's whenever I want and lounge at the pool. It's vacation. But it's exactly that - vacation. I need it to be temporary so that I enjoy it as a break and not an indefinite life I have. So this picture kept returning of my stationery, easy, and too comfortable life and I hated it haha.
That last week I managed to fill up really full, though, which was necessary. Most of my students were back around so I got to watch the school-wide volleyball tournament, join a class for a day on the reservoir and hear some Czech music from them, went to sushi twice with 2 different students for our last meal together, and has a last coffee with a friend I do English lessons with every week at my very favorite place. I went on a bike trip with my mentors and other teacher to a brewery that quickly became one of my favorite beers here and spent my free time walking around town with a camera to capture the last views I'll miss so much. This week was full of spontaneous crying, being triggered by who knows what, and the instability crept in fast. Cleaning out my apartment a little bit at a time was uncomfortable and sad, and arranging the last meetings with so many people was even worse. Like I said before, these goodbyes were so hard because we'd be lying if I'd say I'd see you soon (but I said it anyway because it was just too hard). Thursday, my last day, was by far the hardest I've had since being in the Czech Republic. It was one of those days where tears were behind your eyes at all times and at any moment, if someone said just the right thing, you'd absolutely lose it. I spent the first 45 minutes at school running around to each and every class to say bye to everyone and see their sweet faces for the last time. Even the classes I wasn't as close with were so hard to say bye to. I could hear it in my own voice the cracking that comes right before the waterworks and definitely felt it in my throat with every word. I knew that if I took my goodbye one step deeper and really let out how much some of them meant to me, I'd absolutely lose it and need time to recover so I kept it sweet and lighthearted for those. I could see some of my students tear up when I was saying bye, most of who were completely unexpected, and got so many great hugs from those kids. Even a couple flowers and chocolates which I really wasn't ready for. I hope they could see and feel how much they mean to me. As much as they maybe felt "taught" by me or whatever, they really did show and teach me so so much.
Saying goodbye to the students broke me a bit. They really became my friends here, a huge part of my whole experience. I spent most of my time with them, talked to them the most, and found myself getting personal with them as a way to connect and break the English barrier - something interesting and relatable rather than vocabulary. So I really knew some of these people well. I heard their struggles, their passions and interests, their insecurities. And I knew for some I represented a bit of a safe space that seems harder to come by for them. So leaving them was even harder for me, not knowing when they'd find another person to do the same for them. Still hurts thinking about that one. In some of my many letters and notes I got from students (which made me cry every time) I got comments such as "thank you for your patience", "we need more people like you", "you had energy and positivity we didn't have before", "you taught me the most of any teacher". Of course my first reaction is okay no, not possible, this isn't really about me. But I'm really practicing leaning into these compliments - something Fulbright has really taught me. As much as I was insecure about how much I was really doing, or how well I was really teaching, even these couple of comments made me feel like I actually did a good job. If I could help just a couple students break out of their shells or feel a bit more confident, or just be a friend to some of them, I'm one happy girl. I could have been just another unreachable teacher, but I wanted them to see me closer to a friend than anything, and hearing from some of them that I was, man that felt good.
Now saying bye to my colleagues and mentors was SO much harder. They made this whole thing possible. They were the backbone of my experience and I couldn't come up with a good enough way to express this and make sure they knew just how much they meant to me. I think saying bye to all the school teachers at once was easier than I thought because in a way there was always some distance from them. Only a few could speak English so that played a role, but I only taught with a select few and the rest were just friendly interactions in the hallway. I mean, of course I was still holding back tears, because those smiling faces and "Ahojs" made me feel so welcomed and so comfortable every single day. There wasn't a single teacher that I felt weird vibes from or even the slightest bit un-welcomed. Thursday night I met up with the whole group of people who I'd like to call my team this year - my mentor and her husband, my other co-teacher who was just as much a mentor, my last co-teacher and his sweet girlfriend that became a friend to me too, and a nursing teacher that has always been just the best to me with her daughter as well who's amazing. These people have had my back since Day 1 and it made it even more special to be all together one last time. We had our final beer, went to the nicest restaurant in Tábor for a final glass of wine and said the final farewell on our walk back. I just really can't express how much these people have become my home this past year and how generous they've been - with their time and energy and anything I'd ever need. They are family and always will be.
I cried for sure, but walking back alone the tears really came flowing. I just saw my whole life this past year suddenly become the past. It was over. I wouldn't go back to school and sit in between their desks and recap the week, I wouldn't meet anyone for coffee again, and I wouldn't know their family updates. It just felt so surreal to see that as officially the past and still be living it. That night everything hit the hardest and I finished packing up my whole apartment and made for my classic swollen eyes the next morning. You can tell without fail if I cried the night before just by looking at my eyes - even a few tears makes them swell and no matter the amount of ice or anything, nothing helps.
Friday I was in Greece mode I think and just really focused on the logistics and making sure I didn't forget anything. I triple-checked my apartment, did tear up a little officially leaving and saying bye to Hugo, and started the drive with a co-teacher and his girlfriend for the airport (or hotel where I left my bags). I think it was better to leave this way and have a super quick goodbye at the bus stop so that I didn't have any time to even think and get emotional haha. It was more his style and mine too for that moment. So
my final goodbye and I was suddenly on my own! Back to Prague for one night before our super early morning flight to Greece - where I am now! I think these next two weeks will distract me in all the best ways and postpone the grieving for another time. Hoping I'll stay as distracted and happy as I am right now as I'm sitting out by the pool overlooking the Med with sunburn all over haha.
Still hits me sometimes that I'm not going back to Tábor, but maybe by the end of this trip I'll be so exhausted and the thought of going home to US won't be so scary. Guess we'll see!!