A Tough Day

Today is May 25th and I finally got some time to sit down and write an overdue monthly recap on Month 9 (which is coming soon). I started writing all these positive things and how lucky I'm feeling, which is all true. All these great things have and are happening, but today is single-handedly overshadowing the past 30. I got mid-post and couldn't write anymore because everything I wanted to say ended up taking a completely different turn than my normal recap. So I paused, started a new one, and here I am feeling the need to vent it out and maybe it'll help me make sense of it all:

Yesterday night my friend Kelsey walks into my room and said "There was another school shooting in Texas just now. Elementary school." As I continue the motions of putting my clothes away I sighed "Oh god no. Not another". And didn't really stop with my chores. It wasn't shocking, it just wasn't. I wanted it to be. I wanted to be overwhelmed with emotions and shock but I simply wasn't and I couldn't force it. I had this out of body experience and watched myself react so numb to this traumatic news. I kinda just stood there for a second and was honestly a little frustrated that I didn't have a better reaction. Later that night Kelsey told me the death count rose and I had a similar one yet again. Maybe my eyes left my phone for a second to confirm the news, but genuinely, I wasn't shocked and wasn't taken aback the way we all should be. I mean, a very similar thing just happened last week, right.

I woke up today and saw nothing but the news, video clips, viral speeches, and quotes all over my social media and phone in general. The first one I saw was Senator Chris Murphy pleading the fellow senators to do something. Asking them why they fought so hard for their position just to sit and watch lives be lost like this. The second video I saw was the NBA coach who redirected the press conference for his team to address the situation. I specifically noticed the tremor in his hands, the blood rushing to his face, the cracks in his voice. This one in particular stuck with me all day. I feel like those videos sparked a feeling in me that I couldn't shake until just now when I just let out a long and hard cry - something I haven't done here really much at all. I didn't even need to open a long news article, get a rundown on the details, or see the face of the suspect. I didn't really feel the need to know the time, logistics of the entry, or what type of gun was used. Those parts I didn't need nor care about. But those couple videos of pure rage and emotion - that's what stuck and that's what sparked in me.

I felt like going to school today I was living a double life. Czech students don't see this news, my teachers were busy with final exams all day, I was solo in all my classes, and solo in so many of my emotions. I felt uneasy being at a school, I felt uneasy not talking about it, and I felt uneasy not making my students acutely aware of the reality. But their reality is not the same as US school children's reality. This is not their reality, and apparently wasn't mine for the day either. It just felt like there was this brick in my gut that went so unaddressed all day. It was kind of like a volcano that started rumbling in the morning and was dying to be let out inside of me.

Each of these traumatic events hit a little differently, I think. This was the first school shooting I was made well aware of while I have the role of an educator. Although I'm in a different country, it felt different. I've never been in the role of a teacher like I am now, never managed a classroom like I do now, and never was the sole responsible one for a group of younger children. Today made me acutely aware of what teachers do on a daily basis in the U.S. I can't even put into words the amount of respect I've gained for teachers this past year, but today exponentially increased that. Being proximate to a situation like this, in a way I've never been more, changes it all.

I came home and was flooded with so much information online - I couldn't stop reading the quotes, watching the videos, tuning into the livestreams. I leaned into it all and couldn't help myself. I'm sick and sad and enraged. Today I'm sick of representing this country in the Czech Republic, I'm sick of having to try and explain why the things are the way that they are - most of which I can't give a confident explanation. Today I'm sick of the United States and the hypocrisy. And I'm sick of the Americans who aren't on the right side of history. There is only one thing we should be hearing on the news today and that is the actionable steps that the US politicians are making TODAY to control gun violence. I'm sick of hearing "My condolences..." and I'm sick of prayers without action. Today I'm sick of trying to find a common ground and reason with you all who see differently. If this isn't a watershed moment for you I don't know how your heart got so cold and numb.

In the midst of this day I paused for coffee with a student after class. She's incredibly smart and mature and kind and honestly quite inspiring for me. We spoke about the current events in the US including this school shooting and abortion rights and really really respect and value what she was sharing with me. Our conversation evolved to talking about LGBTQ+ community in the Czech Republic, which was more educative and heartbreaking than anything for me. I left feeling yet again overwhelmed with the reality of our world today.

I don't understand the lack of compassion we're seeing. I've been diving into podcasts and in a recent one the phrase "Compassion without comprehension" stuck out to me the most. You don't need to understand to love. You don't need to comprehend the ins and outs to feel and empathize and love. I feel so deeply for all of those young Czech students (and people all around the world) who are dying to be seen and loved, but are faced with people who don't "understand". That's not the priority we should have. I feel so deeply for the families who's child was viciously shot at school and are dying to be loved and sympathized with, but are faced with people debating the logistics of the shooting. People are out there literally analyzing the number of doors in the building and using it as a reason for this massacre. The number of DOORS. We are all living in a world that is being stripped of compassion.

This afternoon I just couldn't help but be overwhelmed with everything. Even the littlest things like doing laundry and looking at my pollen-filled balcony. It all made me so angry. And I didn't want to talk to anyone I just wanted to scream cry a little. So I did that. And it helped a little I guess. But I fear so much that the same cycle will continue to spin, with me included in it. We have an outcry on social media, we beg for change, we see nothing, and go back to our regular lives. I fear I'll go back to my regular life thinking about going to Greece in a couple weeks. I hate that this is what it's come to and I hate that I have the ability to do this. Those families of those innocent children don't have that ability.

I wonder if those senators and other politicians speaking out today would say the same if their child went to Robb Elementary School. I wonder if they'd advocate for gun rights if we started a system to get every immigrant a gun for themselves. I bet they'd enforce regulations then. I wonder if they'd fight the same way if their bodies were being regulated by law and were forced to birth a child. I wonder what would change if they were taught to feel and express emotion and compassion. Because they weren't. They were brought up in this system too.

I'm plugging my life changing podcast again: Man Enough. Give it a listen.

Anyway. I'm with you if you're overwhelmed with all these emotions today. I hope you feel them deeply and know it's a sign of compassion. It's a sign you care and yearn for change. It's a sign to you that your heart is working properly. If there was any ounce of hope today it was talking to my 17 year old student who I know will lead a better generation. She's someone who gives me hope for better things in the world and I can't wait for people like her to be the ones making decisions for society.