Thanksgiving this year looked a bit different than years past. I've done Thanksgiving in other countries before, even been away from my family for a couple of them, but this year was different. In any other "off-year" I've had other Americans around me to make it feel like home, and this time I was the only person in a huge radius that even knew Thursday was a holiday.
I spent all week giving a lesson on Thanksgiving - some classes were super interested and others wanted nothing to do with it. Of course I gave an intro as to why Thanksgiving is seen as a controversial day, but really why it isn't complicated at all. I showed what many are taught in school, learned that that's also what they were taught, and then gave a bit more of a factual recount. I plugged my documentary from last year, showed some clips from various videos, and considered the few facial reactions to be a success. I think giving this presentation sparked a couple uncomfortable reactions from others. But Czech culture is a lot more rigid and conservative in their approach to a lot. So when I discussed some of the often used words, actions, or traditions and how they are actually pretty offensive to many, I definitely caught some eye rolls...I think this was the first time I really caught myself standing my ground and sharing a brand new perspective that not everyone would agree with, not even my teachers. It was uncomfortable at times, but the one or two students who shared a really intelligent and emotional reaction to it all makes it all worth it. That's what I'm here to do, right. There's more on this feeling and some more related experiences, but I'll get into that later.
I did mention though how you can still use the day to be thankful, so I was feeling inspired to bake some pumpkin bread (from scratch may I just add - no canned pumpkin here) and gave some to the teachers I'm closest with, with a little note of gratitude for them. For those brief seconds I felt like it was really Thanksgiving, but after those lessons were over it was just another ordinary Thursday at work. It hit me a little harder than I was expecting, and not even because of the holiday. Thanksgiving honestly puts a weird taste in my mouth anyway, but I was feeling some type of way about seeing all my home friends reunite and their families and just be "home". The only thing getting me through that was the Fulbright
Thanksgiving shortly to follow on the Friday and Saturday in Prague. We reunited for some lectures and updates, but then also had some traditional foods done is a slightly Czech way haha but still good. I had super high hopes for this reunion and was genuinely excited to see everyone. There's many comments I have to make about this so bare with me:
Hate to say it but like, we're all still getting to know each other, and to witness drama between people I consider my literal family here was hard to swallow. I think one of my biggest takeaways already from this experience is simply being patient with people even if you don't agree with every single personality trait or way of being, and I just don't think everyone is like that haha. So despite being a group of 22+ year olds, drama still exists, and I hate to see it
COVID is so mean. Hours before our meeting, the Czech Republic went into a State of Emergency, put the whole weekend on pause for a second, closed all our Christmas markets, and closed all food/drink at 10pm. Don't get me wrong, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm just so mad people can't get themselves vaccinated and stop this vicious thing. Much more on this to come! haha!
Fulbright really tries their best and I mean that in such a genuine way. ETAs tested positive moments before meeting, lecturers had to become virtual, yet they still organized a meeting space for all of us from all over the country, rented an entire restaurant for us, covered our accommodations and even gave us transportation passes. I was a little deflated by people's frustrations with Fulbright but I'm just putting it out there - I feel so supported and taken care of by this staff and I believe their job has got to be one of the hardest. They're dealing with a bunch of Americans in a million different environments spread out in this country with vastly different experiences on so many fronts, and still managing to make it personal - at least in my opinion. They're really getting some heat for enforcing rules I guess is the best way to put it, or lack there of, but they really aren't big ones if you ask me
Lastly - the biggest topic of conversation we had at this meeting and the one that really got me thinking had to do with the student/teacher relationship in the classroom. It's gonna be so hard to sum up but here we go:
Some feedback they received from all the ETA's had a common theme of witnessing what we typically, as Americans, consider disrespectful behavior in the classroom - both from the students and teachers. And I don't mean like just talking while the teacher is talking. I mean teachers calling students stupid to their face, insulting their intelligence in front of classmates, making insensitive comments about students' sexuality, and even mis-gendering some routinely. We went on for quite some time just sharing out loud what we've witnessed and I really was at a loss for words. Because I've definitely experienced this too but don't think I really processed it until then. These past 3+ months I've still been in this "take it all in, just observe this new culture" mindset. So there's a level of bluntness and I guess honesty that I'm still adjusting too. At my school it's been more like "Hey Michaela grade that presentation right now in front of everyone and tell them 5 things they could've done better". I'd like to see myself as a means to decrease the stress and empower them, showing them that they actually can converse with a native speaker more efficiently than they know. I want to give them all 100% for trying, for showing up, for speaking words because that doesn't always happen. I want to point out the positives haha. I've also experienced quite a bit of degrading comments and harsh opinions being thrown around about my students, but for me I see it outside of the classroom, like in the office or something. Still bad, don't get me wrong. But other ETAs share much more public stories.
I remember feeling on the verge of tears during this convo because I think I had been suppressing some of these feelings for a bit now. And then to hear the extent to which it's going on elsewhere really hit me. The Fulbright staff wanted to give us space to share this and then gave us some context for why we're seeing what we're seeing. And that really depressed me even more I think. They basically just said what we see in the classroom is a national mindset - just being exemplified in this context. I'm paraphrasing but we learned about this low level of confidence nationwide, especially in teachers - this national distrust for one another (students/teachers/parents all combined) - this national low self-motivation, low aspiration, low willingness to change. I could go on, but it was a lot. A lot to understand, a lot to take in, and a lot to put into context.
I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity and I feel really purposeful being here. But it hit me just now how hard it can be. I find myself caring more about my students as people than just as students if that makes sense. Like the emotional or personal connection is what I care about more than some English class grade or whatever. When one tells me she wants to be a doctor, and gets shot down by teachers who tell her she has no potential to really do that, it makes me really upset. Or when one of my students is constantly mis-gendered by other teachers. Ugh. I guess I'm just trying to find this balance of not inserting myself with this American over-confidence saying this is the only right way to do things - but while also standing up for what I know is right - some of these things are basic human decency. Like I'm here to represent the U.S. but also here to learn Czech culture and embrace their way of life. The hardest part too is that it's not just one or two people rubbing me the wrong way - it's just a national perspective where I swear we're 20 years behind over here. So it's something I don't even think my students recognize, or know that they could be having better. Like to be publicly humiliated, or misgendered, or told their not worthy enough to even try, all these things are seemingly normal to them. One of my fellow ETAs said they did a Thanksgiving activity on being grateful and told their students to take their phone out and text someone saying you're thankful for them. And apparently a mother called their child immediately thinking there was some emergency or something because things like that simply never happen.
I'm still processing all of this and trying to figure out how I want to insert myself in this dynamic. I felt pretty empowered after that meeting to be bold and stand up to every single thing, but when sexism is ingrained is probably everything you hear haha it's hard to be that person. It's hard to be a slow change and not an immediate one. And it's super hard when you really feel like a one-woman show haha.
If you've made it this far I appreciate you sticking through this pretty negative rant. I'm just trying to be honest here that all types of cultural adjustment aren't so easy and this one hits me deep on a moral level - so compromising and negotiating don't really work as well as I'd like them to. There's really so much more I could say on this, but I think I'll save that for my poor friends and family who get the brunt of it in the moment.
I guess before I worry too many people I should say that this doesn't mean I'm hating my experience here and everyday is a struggle to get through. It's not. I actually think my school is much much better compared to these other experiences I've heard. I feel extremely comfortable with my teachers and do feel like I can share how I feel - I just personally need to get my thoughts straight and find the right time and place before something breaks out in the classroom. I feel like this type of learning and cultural immersion is so unique and in a way I feel really lucky to be here. To navigate this is really what I'm here to do. This is the cross-cultural communication, the sharing of new ideas, the evolving of perspectives in action. It's just so emotionally exhausting sometimes. Doesn't mean it's not worth it, it absolutely is. If I can get this student into med-school, or at least believing she's worth a shot at applying, or be a safe place for one of my LGBTQ+ students because I have pronouns in my bio, I've succeeded. Just sucks when you have ambitions to change every single mindset and realize that simply doesn't work that way. Like ok Michaela go ahead and try to rewrite the Czech mentality that's engrained in such a complicated history that even you don't fully understand.
Just telling myself to lead by example and keep your heart in it. The fact that I have such visceral reactions I think is a good thing, right?
End rant! Thanks friends for hearing me out & let me know if you have any nice revelations for how to navigate these next 6+ months <3