Never really imagined the day I'd be sitting here writing about the 8th month since I got here. In a way I'm starting to accept the fact that I've been here for a while, like August really was a LONG time ago. But at the same time it's impossible to accept the fact that it's almost over. I really tried not to get any expectations or concretely imagine/hope for something come Month 8, so this is all unexpected. But in general, as I mentioned last month, I'm feeling very at home here. It took a solid 6-7 months but I really do feel like this is my life finally. I feel like a teacher, a friend, a colleague. I feel like my apartment is a home and Tábor is my town.
This past month has not been a normal one at all, though. It was full of schedule changes, holidays, Fulbright events, etc. But I think it was because of the abnormal schedule and not being at school as much that really helped me put into perspective what my "normalcy" looks like and how much I've grown to love and value it. Instead of a lot of little moments that I usually choose to highlight, I think this month was shaped around larger events that I'm still processing myself but overall really challenged my perspective and ways of thinking about this Fulbright year and my future - making my word for this Month 8: Formative.
School exchanges
This month a fellow ETA, Hunter, and I were able to do a total of a 4 day exchange at each other's schools as Fulbright encourages us to do this whenever we can. Whether it's for a specific lesson/presentation or simply for exposure to another native speaker, we're highly encouraged to do this and Kristyna (our Fulbright boss? kinda) specifically encouraged Hunter and I to do this because of how drastically different our schools are. I'm at a ~200 person, 95% girls nursing high school, and Hunter is at a ~800 person, 95% boys engineering and sports management school. Just based on that you can imagine how different our daily lives are. But before this exchange I literally only had one experience at Czech high school and just kinda assumed it was standard? Without harping too much on the details, my major takeaway is how lucky and grateful I am to be placed at my school. And part of that is said out of relief because of how stressed I was at Hunter's school, but I genuinely don't think Fulbright could have done a better job at placing me where I am with the people that I'm with.
Despite the pure size difference in our schools, the dynamic within the classroom and community was completely different. Before I went, my colleagues were telling me to prepare myself because "Oh, it's a boys school, they're gonna be boys". And yes I understand what they mean by that but at the same time it kind of frustrated me to hear that because it implied I should be ready to accept and tolerate some inappropriate behavior simply because they're boys. And well, it definitely checked out. I don't want to generalize for the whole school because some classes I had were very respectful and even shy which was refreshing given some other experiences. One way to put it is that I was forced to become so intimately aware of the fact that I was a young woman surrounded by young boys who could not control themselves with my presence. Lots of laughs at this right off the bat, but these few days at Hunter's school made me realize that I can't remember the last time I was the only woman in a room of 30+ men. Which is probably a good thing? But these weren't just your average men, they're young Czech boys who grow up in a sexist society teaching them to see women as objects - which yes happens in the U.S. duh but here it's on a different level. And I felt this. Of course I did my best to keep a playful spirit and tease them back a little when I'm standing in front of the class, but all I wanted to do was get back to my safe apartment. I felt eyes like I've never felt them, I heard constant whispers and jokes followed by eyes (and even though I can't understand Czech you can feel the nature of the comments), and I received a number of questions/comments from them directly that just totally confirmed all of my suspicions. And now, weeks after my visit, I hear there are still conversations about me.
Literally so much to unpack with this. Number 1: I am so lucky to be where I am. The 10 boys I teach sometimes show hints of this behavior but nothing at all to this extent, and they're way too outnumbered to make me feel surrounded and overwhelmed. I am so so thankful to be at my school. Also got a sweet reminder that my students do feel safe with me as I saw some of them turning to me when Hunter got confusing or stressful during his visit haha. Number 2: We need to stop using this excuse of being a boy to justify totally inappropriate behavior, especially at a young age. And the teachers (males especially) at these schools need to set a positive example and hold them accountable when witnessing it - which I never saw. Number 3: This experience made me question myself - if I handled it the right way, if I did anything that warranted comments, etc. This is not okay and I'm genuinely frustrated it had this effect on me.
Czech Prom!
On a more positive note, this month I attended one of my senior class's proms! It was like U.S. prom on steroids. It was 2,000+ people, 4 bars, a moderator, dance performances, raffles, choreographed student dances, professionally recorded skits and videos, you name it. It was one of the most fun nights I've had since coming to the Czech Republic and don't think it could have come at a more perfect time. In the beginning of the night they introduced the whole class to sappy music and they each had a little entrance pose, but it was the first time that brought tears to my eyes realizing my time with them is coming to an end. The seniors end school much earlier than the other classes so it was so bittersweet to see the beginning of their graduation ceremony. Starting at 7pm, I had planned to leave at midnight after their "midnight surprise" but found myself having such a great time and ended up staying until 2 or 3AM just dancing and having the best time. I think it was an awesome moment to bond with my students who I was with most of the night. I wasn't sure what the vibes would be, like am I with the teachers, do I sit, do I dance, do I drink with the students, I had no idea. You forget about the little things you need your friends there for like going to the bathroom, asking for dress advice, etc. And all that stress went away so fast when my amazing students became like my best friends that night. Drinking definitely helped ease their nerves I could tell when it came to speaking English, but we were all buying drinks for each other and dancing ALL night. And it all felt so genuine - not like some students being forced to hang out with their teacher. It genuinely felt like we all were friends haha. So different than any teacher/student dynamic I've seen in the US, especially when drinking at 18 is legal so Prom takes on a completely new meaning.
But the bonding of that night with some of my students (and colleagues) will never be forgotten. I think it helped us all to humanize each other, which would've been even better if it happened in December like originally planned but COVID changed things up. As much as I hoped it would make them see me in a different light, it did the exact same for me. With some of them being 18-19 we really aren't that far off in age, and this high energy social setting helped to bridge that gap so well. Another night of feeling really grateful to be where I am with the people around me, but super bittersweet because things like this don't happen all the time and the clock is ticking. It was one of those moments that you miss even though you're living it in the moment.
Mid-Year Conference
Fulbright organized a true mid-year conference for us in February to mark the halfway point of our grant, but got rescheduled to April due to COVID. It was a 3 day retreat of sorts back at the Liblice Castle that we had orientation at back in August. I think the intention was mostly a break for all of us ETAs, giving us time to reconvene and vent but also threw in some workshops and lectures to help us with any missteps we've come across so far. We had a really amazing program and I couldn't speak highly enough about the Fulbright commission for putting this together for us. I couldn't help but come out of it feeling so inspired and determined to not only do better at a teacher here but in my career moving forward.
Getting together with the other ETAs (and Fulbright Scholar's) is always a humbling experience and that was for sure my #1 takeaway from this conference. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by these really intelligent people who come in all varieties. Some of them amaze me with their 5 minute presentations about scientific research at Charles University that is so beyond my brain capacity it is quite literally jaw dropping. Some of them amaze me with their nuanced teaching style that you can tell has been tested and revised to almost perfection. Seeing some of these experienced teachers makes me want to do better and learn from them in all ways. And some of them amaze me in our individual conversations and their ability to listen, empathize, and impact. I think in programs like these people forget how important and valued that side of it is - you need to be a personable presence that invites people in and encourages a space to receive and learn. Some of my fellow ETAs are experts at this and I'll always look to them to be better myself.
With all of this I think it's also natural to have that daunting imposter syndrome creep back in. I'm proud that it hasn't come back nearly as strong as it was in the beginning, but it definitely came back a little. In my moments of reflection I think I've done a good job at the more personal side of this experience, like getting to know my students as people and encourage and support them. But there's obviously the other side of being a true English teacher and when I hear these insanely intentional and thought-out lesson plans, I naturally struggle with comparison. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing as much as some others, trying as hard to get creative with the English side of things, and really putting in 100% of my time and energy to things like this.
Another important element of this conference was a visit from a Foreign Service Officer who works at the Prague Embassy and came to talk to us about a career in the foreign service. It was literally 2 weeks before this meeting that I discovered the details of a career like this and started researching to see if it was something I'd like to do. Maybe it was all in the moment, but hearing him speak about his career inspired me on levels I don't think I've witnessed before. Life as a diplomat is purposeful, and as he said, "it's true service". I think this year has, in a good way, convinced me that I can do literally anything. But at the same time dedicating your life to the foreign service means sacrificing so much. I'm obviously not at the stage to think about things like marriage and kids, but as a young adult wanting to spend more time abroad in a service oriented way, representing the U.S., man was this tempting. If anything it really jumpstarted this urge in me to keep discovering career paths. Yes I'm so dedicated to global health and I think I always thought that would look one way, maybe at NGOs or non-profits. But it's all part of this journey and now I'm seeing what an intersection of that might look like with the Department of State with USAID and things like that. So so much to keep researching but these Fulbright meetings continue to be so formative. I'm addicted to this feeling of being surrounded by people who are quite literally going to change the world.
Easter Trip with Kennedy :)
This 7 day trip deserves it's whole recap because of how magical it was. But I wanted to mention it here because it really played a role in how "formative" this month was. Among many many other great things about this trip, I was doing a lot of thinking about the style of my life going forward. I don't know if style is the right word but I can't think of another right now haha. Being with Kennedy who was visiting Europe for the first time, it opened my own eyes to some of the things I've gotten used to. And I don't mean just since I've been in Czech Republic, but throughout my whole life being so lucky to travel around the world I've learned and experienced so much about other cultures and countries, and maybe just now am I realizing what that means for me.
I've been a lot of places in my life and I'm so grateful that at this young age I've been able to even develop perspectives on life abroad and other cultures. And over these past 10 months I think I've been able to see U.S. culture more clearly than ever. I thought I made some of these gains when I was abroad in South Africa, but boy after 10 months here, that was nothing. I could go on about those, and probably will at the end of my grant when I try to dictate what the heck I've just gone through, but this month I started to realize my not so urgent sense to get back to the U.S. And I really want to emphasize the weight in that, because it's so easy to say when you've been living this luxurious life in tourist town without a care in the world. I genuinely haven't had that experience these 10 months. As much as I know Tábor isn't my forever home, I know that I need to spend some time in other countries before I feel like the U.S. is really my home.
This was my second time in Paris and, yes, we absolutely stayed in the center of one of the most touristy places on Earth. I recognize that. But at the same time I felt this inspiration and lifestyle that I think I need to experience much more of while I'm still young. The energy, the speed, the characters of people and places is something I think parts of the U.S. lacks. The history of Europe in general is something the U.S. can't even really rival with. People are always moving yet there remains a personality. There's a time to run around the metro but also a time to sit on the riverbanks with your friends under the streetlight and wave to the boats passing through. There's time to talk. There's time to be present at a cafe. I miss this intimate time at home that I always feel like I'm prying out of people. I felt at ease trying to do that here.
I don't know if this makes much sense but in moments of rest on my trip with Kennedy I felt a little guilt about going home so soon. But more guilt towards myself. I owe it to myself to explore these desires of mine and really feel out what suits me. I owe it to myself to enjoy the things that call me.
So much easier said than done.
Miscellaneous
& of course this month had many other highlights that I'll add pics of in the photo dump, like visiting nearby town with a woman I do English lessons with, receiving sweet birthday gifts from students, being showered with help when I was sick and missed school for a couple days, some school field trips, making March Madness a thing here, and of course celebrating Kennedy and her birthday here in Tábor.
**Just needed to add in here that that this month I discovered one of the most impactful podcasts I've ever listened to called "Man Enough". It talks about undefining masculinity in today's world which is so applicable to people of ALL genders. It's hosted by some of the most intelligent people while also leaving space for humility and mistakes that we as listeners get to witness and walk through together. Even with their guests they call each other out and learn real-time which I find so refreshing. Kind of unrelated but it's been something I spend so much time listening to, even on my runs. And I promise it's not overbearing or too heavy, it really has just taught me so much in the ~10 episodes I've listened to so far.
