You know those TikToks where girls are taking their mental health walks and coffee runs, like not because they wanna stay active but to quite literally prevent a spiral. Well I've really really resonated with those recently haha.
I started to write a little in the monthly update about how this month has just felt gray. Like maybe I should've given a color to each month I've been here because I've gotten close to gray, like maybe a gray-blue haha but month 5 has been gray. And I wanted to give an update on my mental health so that I can look back at the reality of this Fulbright year, but also give myself some therapy in writing it out and trying to put words to my feelings. So bear with me because I haven't thought any of this out yet.
I'll preface this by saying that month 5 brought a lot of this out in me. I wrote in my monthly recap why I've felt a crazy mix of emotions, and tried to rationalize it for myself, but these are relatively new struggles I've faced. I've also been in quarantine because of COVID outbreak on my trip so 10+ days of being out of school and 5 of those being alone with your thoughts really starts to exacerbate some of these feelings. All very real though.
1. Feeling purposeful
Fulbright carries such weight in my eyes. Ever since I heard the name and applied, I knew it was such an honor and huge opportunity - one that I've had a hard time believing I've earned. It's an opportunity for me to obviously develop my skills and career/etc. but an even bigger and more important opportunity to make a difference in some peoples lives. It's literally run by the U.S. State Department and alumni go on to do pretty world changing things. You see the success stories from Fulbright and programs alike where, during their grant, they revolutionize their schools and coordinate incredible events for their students. They bring every unique and amazing teaching method and every ounce of creativity to their classroom and really truly make an impact. To me, they seem bold and fearless and so confident in their purpose. I know not all stories or pictures may be as they appear, but I really feel like Fulbright has given us the ability to do all of that, and then some. It gives space for the best of the best to make a huge and lasting impact.
But the hardest part is believing that you're worthy of that or fall anywhere close to that same level . Since my very first post on imposter syndrome, it really hasn't gone away and it's still a constant worry and doubt of mine. I can literally hear so many people telling me to shut up after saying that, but it's true. Sometimes at school I feel that a lesson (or a few) ends up being pretty boring. Sometimes I notice a routine in my lesson planning and I think I could be more creative. I'll let the teachers take the lead with their mundane textbook - something I'm encouraged to not use as an ETA. Sometimes I see other ETAs, past and present, introduce these joint programs and special guests and can't help but feel like I could be doing better. I haven't studied education and I'm constantly thinking to myself that if someone who knew this methodology better than I do was here, these students could benefit so much more. I like to think I'm doing my best, but I've felt recently that I could be doing more for these students. I've felt like I could be more purposeful with everything I do, and make a bigger impact.
I've also touched on this a little before, but there are some bigger cultural barriers in my way as well and I'm definitely still learning how to navigate those. I want to be that person to stand up for what's right, to be confident in standing my ground, and do the actual work that makes a difference. But I've got to be honest it's so hard sometimes. When Czech comedy seems to always have a twinge of misogyny, I feel like I can't call it out every 5 minutes, because they happen so often. I'd quite literally have nothing else to say except that. I want to be able to look back on this year and be like "Wow I did as much as I could to empower those girls, bring them new ideas, and change their perspective on some of these things". I want to be able to feel so confident and purposeful in what I've done, but I'm struggling to figure out of I'll ever really feel really accomplished.
In the past couple of weeks I've also done a ton of thinking about my life when I return in July. I've been applying for jobs, scheduling networking calls, researching organizations, you name it. And part of it is really exciting because it feels like the beginning of another adventure for me. But it also feels extremely scary. I know the basics of what I want to do - I want to work at an organization that makes a difference, and I want to help people. How vague and basic of me. But coming off of a Fulbright year, and the pressure I may or may not put on myself, I feel like I should have more of a grasp on what I want to do. I feel like I should be applying my year immediately into my career with these huge ambitions to change the world, or carry on to a prestigious Master's program, or incredibly selective fellowship or something. Because that's the standard Fulbright can have. And here I am cold searching for a job literally anywhere that will take me, and constantly obsessing over my email waiting for an interview or rejection. I want to utilize my Fulbright year to it's absolute potential, but I have this looming fear that I won't find an opportunity for me and will move back home for a couple months until a back-up option pulls through and I slowly move on. I don't want to be a disappointment to this Fulbright reputation and I know I'd be the only one putting that label on myself, but it's an overwhelming fear of mine coming out of this year. How can I utilize every ounce of my Fulbright year and turn it into positive change in my next move? I just feel so much responsibility to do so, and I want to! But how?!
2. COVID
I like to make jokes about how people see COVID out here because it's 100% the easiest coping mechanism for living in a country that wildly disregards the severity of a global pandemic. But again, this past month really hit hard, and I can't even make jokes about it. This month I was unfortunately reminded of a familiar level of anxiety when it comes to COVID - a level I hadn't felt since the fall of 2020 dealing with the pandemic on a college campus surrounded by people who had differing perspectives on it.
The first couple of months here I was hit with a lot of new cultural standards and ways of life. Masks were less important, although still "officially" encouraged. Large events were still happening, daily briefings weren't really a thing, like COVID was still here but kinda just lurking in the background and the general perspective wasn't too worried at all. And with everything being so new here and honestly being distracted by so much, I easily fell into that. I knew I was protecting myself with what was in my power, so I'd say my anxiety was relatively low. But as Thanksgiving and Christmas came around, numbers starting rising and I noticed more COVID-centered conversations. It was more like, "Yeah it's getting a lot worse here, but don't worry, the schools won't close. They promised us." And that's true I guess, the Czech government made it very publicly known that keeping schools open was a top priority. Lots of pros and cons to this, I know I know. But I felt stuck in a way of knowing how bad the situation is, knowing this inevitable outbreak amongst my students that everyone had just kind of accepted was coming, yet also witnessing a total disregard for any precautionary measures. It was like, "Yeah it's so bad, it's getting worse, and we're still not really gonna follow the rules because hey, we're vaccinated right". And I really hope all of you reading this know the basics of the vaccine and how even though you may have all the doses it doesn't mean you're immune forever and can just disregard these measures. Just simply not how this works. But in hearing all my colleagues and students say this, I had to essentially sacrifice my standards and move on. Now I wonder in a couple months or in a couple years if I'll look back on this and be like Michaela why didn't you do XYZ, but I really felt (and still do) like I don't have much choice in this, and fall at the hands of everyone around me.
My standards, which come from not only common sense but public health professionals, definitely have been sacrificed since being here in the Czech Republic. Personal space is different, masks seem to be some public display because apparently when in offices or parts of a classroom it's suddenly okay to remove them. The lunch scene also seems to be an exception to any protective measures?? There doesn't seem to be a general respect for people who practice more caution either. I truthfully haven't seen many cautious people, hence why I feel all alone in my thoughts sometimes, but to voice a concern or ask people to be masked is a very odd thing that would definitely warrant a stare or question. During a spike at my school amongst teachers and students I was asked to go to a soccer and volleyball game on the weekend by a coworker. He was in very close contact with some positive teachers, and I was as well with my office mate just testing positive the day before. So I had to cancel my plan to go because of the last minute exposure and didn't want to risk him or myself to anything else. I mean a sports game with big crowds and no masks isn't exactly the safest place to be during a spike. So I felt assured to make that decision, but later realized it was not received in the same way and jokes were made/slight grudges were held about cancelling plans. Nothing too serious, don't worry, but I had to further explain why I canceled and made it known that I still wanted to go but couldn't. It was this weird barrier that I had to explain to overcome - almost as if no one had ever been inconvenienced because of COVID before. It was odd and concerning.
But of course the physical disregard for COVID regulations isn't the only damaging part. The conversation around it is scarier sometimes. I've been encouraged to take my test wrong so that I can ensure a negative test and be able to go on a school related trip. I've been told that even if I test positive we wouldn't tell anyone so no one else would have to leave the trip or quarantine. I've heard rumors that a fellow teacher knew he was positive while spending 5 consecutive days unmasked at close-contact ski trip with teachers and students. THIS is why we're still in this pandemic. THIS is why we're loosing hope and trust in one another. THIS is why I'm feeling hopeless. If people are telling me these things with no repercussions, what else are people getting away with?
And yet being surrounded by these conversations, jokes, and stories every single day at school, I STILL find myself doing this stupid little fake laugh to get by. When told that I should fake the test I literally heard myself laugh and hated that I let the joke land. Except it wasn't really a joke was it? It's like I step outside my body and watch myself laugh just to get by instead of stand up for what I know is right. The things I hear are absurd. And on smaller levels or more intimate conversations I feel better about speaking up. But in the office with multiple teachers and ME, the already outcast American, half their age, and can't even speak their language, is the one who is responsible for knocking some sense into them. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, and sometimes I don't even try. It's exhausting.
So I guess this is what has been weighing on me the most recently, but it really changes all the time. Month 5 brought out a lot in me, but even over the couple of days it took me to write this, my feelings change all the time. Really did feel good though to get this out so thanks for bearing with me!