Mental Health: Part 1

I think at the beginning of this whole process I was mostly worried that this entire year would take a huge toll on my mental health. I wasn't exactly sure in which ways, but I think part of me knew that it was going to be the biggest challenge for my mental well-being that I'd probably ever faced. Before I even arrived here I had some pretty confident expectations as far as loneliness, inability to make friends, issues with language barriers, etc - and this is something I always do (thank you anxiety), I make assumptions about what things are going to be like and get so stressed and nervous about them before anything ever happens. I've learned it's just who I am haha.

So because of that I've been EXTRA intentional about not letting all that come to fruition haha. I know this is only month 2ish, and there's a wholeeee lot more to come, but writing out how I'm feeling and convincing myself of these "tips" even when there's really no rhyme or reason to them is actually pretty helpful for me haha. So I apologize in advance for this stream of consciousness it's really just a therapy session for myself but happy to share if anyone else has a bit of an obscure journey with all this too :)

I guess I'll start with a general observation about mental health in the Czech Republic. I really haven't done enough research on my own to say this confidently, but it's just pure observation in the last month or so. There really isn't a lot of acknowledgement. Period. Things like anxiety, depression, or counseling really aren't spoken about seriously, because if it comes up it's usually in form of a joke or exaggeration. I know it's not perfect in the U.S. either, but it's definitely more of a publicly addressed thing and I'm always reminded on prioritizing my mental health. Here, it's much more of an intentional thing I have to remind myself of and hold myself accountable for. I see some of my students, hear some of their stories, and have to believe they've got some deeper stuff going on. But the culture here, even amongst people who work with them everyday, is to instead let out a not-so-funny joke about them. Now I also know that there's a cultural difference in school life vs. home life, and they may see issues like this as more of a family/home problem and something that shouldn't be addressed in school. But in my opinion, we're about 10-15 years back in time over here where student counseling or support doesn't really exist. I got coffee with some students after school last week and aside from their incredible English, I was really really impressed with their ability to talk openly about mental health and other societal issues I haven't heard a lot of deep conversation on yet. They opened up about their own issues a bit, shared some perspective on how schools/communities could become safer places, and really started some much needed conversation about the stigma here in the Czech Republic. They're really really smart girls and impressed me so much with their empathy and courage to essentially go against the grain. So while they are incredible people, they also confirmed that maybe the general population sees things a bit differently. Just an interesting observation that I have a whole lot more to learn about, but something to keep in mind as I'm trying to navigate my own mental health in this type of environment.

I think after a lot of self-reflection on my lazy Sunday, I've narrowed my thoughts down to 3 main things that have been bringing me some challenges recently.

Self confidence:

This has always been a thing for me, but has presented itself a new way in this season of life. The first part is more of a imposter-syndrome type insecurity. It really hit me when I arrived in August and met all of the other ETAs, but somedays I'll really really convince myself that I'm not qualified or prepared to do this type of work. Like why am I the one who gets to teach these students and be such a massive representation of American culture for them. They deserve someone who's studied education, someone who knows how to create a lesson plan haha, someone who has life experience to speak about the US in ways I'm convinced I can't. Everyone says comparison will kill you and I even know that's so true but it doesn't always stop me from doing it. I see the other ETAs as so insanely qualified. They have incredible skills and talents and experience that I feel I can't compare to. Some people suggested to work through this imposter-syndrome by re-reading your application and reminding yourself of all these things you are. And it helps for a bit but then I successfully convince myself even those things aren't worthy enough. I write this because I really don't have an answer or solution to it, it's not something I've come remotely close to overcoming, but it's honestly what's challenging me the most right now. Some days I surprise myself and feel pretty good, some days the opposite. I try not to harp on it too much because it'll only affect the students at the end of the day. So I keep telling myself that regardless of how I got here, I'm here, and I better not waste this opportunity for not only me, but my students.

Another honest struggle I've been having is self-confidence in more of the physical form. I've always dealt with acne and pretty sensitive skin, so new environments definitely take a toll on me physically. When I first got here I told myself not to freak out if I get some new breakouts because I'm still adjusting to a new everything. But here we are 2ish months in and looks like I just gotta get used to it. It's not the worst I've seen by any means, but it's really incredible how much seeing imperfections and changes in my skin really affects my mood. My confidence drops so much. Standing in front of a classroom, having 1 on 1 meetings, it all has a new layer of insecurity because I don't feel confident in my own skin. It's probably a mix of a change in water, definitely some dehydration, complete change in diet, changes in stress levels, all these things combined. And I know it might be normal but I feel like a completely new person when I wake up with clear, hydrated skin. I don't have to wear makeup and I just feel so much better about myself. But having to worry and maintain my breakouts/dryness has weighed a lot on me recently :/ Annnnd with all those changes of course my body is changing too. I walk on average 5 or 6 miles a day somehow, found myself almost regularly going on walks and runs after school which is kinda out of character for me haha, and most after school things with colleagues involve cycling - like last Friday doing a 25k (half up hill...) with my mentor. So I'm definitely living more of an active lifestyle, closing literally all my rings on my watch every single day haha. I'm definitely gaining some more muscle which is nice and all, but all this change in only 2 months is still messing with me. I just came off a summer where I finally got myself in the best workout routine I've had in a while and saw actual change in my body which was giving me so much confidence and motivation to stay in shape. Also trying to work through the eating culture of potatoes served in 3 different forms at every meal, homemade pastries being offered to you everyday, massive slices of cake being put on your desk at 10am, and then paired with it also being rude to deny it or not finish the plate...in any capacity. Not that I ever really want to deny it...but still lol

So I guess I'm eating differently, moving differently, doing everything differently so of course my body's gonna adjust accordingly. Just not really the easiest thing to go through, or even admit, when everything else around you is so new. It would be nice for your body to not be new to you too, ya know.

Time

Time is such a confusing thing for me. This experience has gone by so fast, but also so slowly. We all know that feeling but sometimes I get caught up in how fast it's going, and how I'll likely never be in this position ever again. Time is making me anxious to get everything done, do and see literally as much as possible, and make every single minute of free time worth it. It's actually an exhausting feeling. All of my students presented on their summer holidays and it's brought places like Bulgaria, Hungary, and Slovenia for example, to my mind as places I need to go before I leave. When will I ever be this close to all these amazing countries that I'll likely never visit again with this ease. Flights to all these places (and Greece and Croatia) are <$100 USD and I'm feeling such a real urge to make all of it happen. I know it's such a great problem to have, right. So I can't really complain, but I want to make sure I use this opportunity to its fullest capacity. It's stressful trying to balance weekends of tourism and weekends of being a local - which is more important, which is better for me, which is even possible. It' a lot haha.

Time is also freaking me out because I'll eventually need to return to the real world. And I knowww I still have so much time and all the advice I hear is don't worry about it yet, BUT I need a job when I go home. I need to make money and I can't just wait until I get home to start that. I debated applying for grad school right away, but some schools require 2 years of post-grad experience and I think that's the best for me anyways, so it's a relief I don't need to submit applications and GRE tests in December. But I do need to make sure I'm staying in touch with people I'm interested in working for, researching, making connections where I need to, and paying attention to deadlines. It's so hard because I may come out of this seeing education as a real possibility for me, I have no idea. This type of anxiety really hits me sometimes because technically there's always something I can be doing - not that I necessarily should be doing, but I couldddd be. I still don't feel super confident in what I want to do, where I want to live, all those important questions. And I want to be living in the moment here, but really struggling to find the balance of what's best to do right now.

It's kind of amazing to watch the differences in Czech culture here where 14 year olds have to decide on a specialized high school that'll set them up for their whole life. My school of nurses decided they wanted to enter that field literally at age 14. They're actually ahead of me in knowing what they want to do. I'm 22 and still unsure. Pros and cons to it all, I've had conversations with students who don't like this system because they felt forced to choose because they had to, not because it's really what they wanted. And switching fields really isn't the easiest thing. So in comparison I feel super lucky to have the time and space to discover all these things about myself, like this Fulbright year for example. But it doesn't make the anxiety any less when I want to find something I'm passionate about, is meaningful and purposeful, but also pays me a living wage haha.

Homesick

I feel really really lucky to say that I haven't really experienced much of homesickness here...yet. Aggressively knocking on wood because I have a feeling that'll come when the days get short and cold, but so far so good and I'm holding onto that.

I did, though, have my first taste of it when I was in Brno and had the Ravens game accidentally spoiled to me haha. Seems small right, but something about Sunday football games at home or even at school were my absolute highlight of the week. The Ravens just feel like home to me and it's actually been a really hard thing for me to miss some games because they're at 2AM my time. It's not just any other sports game, it reminds me of home and my routine and my city. It's such a huge part of me and a ritual that I feel disconnected to when I'm here. So when I heard about Justin Tuckers NFL record 66-yard field goal I actually teared up a bit because I couldn't watch it live with everyone else at home. As someone who self-identifies as one of the Raven's biggest fans, this was actually hard for me. Tonight's the first game I can kinda watch, at 10:30PM my time, so I hope I'll get a bit of the same feeling streaming live as best as I can :/

**Side note, I can pretty confidently say my family figured out travel plans for the holiday and I'll be able to come home for Christmas!! Flights aren't booked yet but I have the dates set, so that's exciting and will probably be a much needed refresher by the time December comes. Lmk if you wanna hang out <3

Soooooo if you made it this far thanks for the patience and hearing me complain about problems that really aren't problems to most of things people have to face today. I actually feel really lucky that these are my problems??? Like I said, some days are better than others but on those harder days I try not to compare, let myself feel the feelings, and make sure I don't let things get worse than they really need to. I usually gravitate towards FaceTiming some friends to get my mind off Czech life, watch some stupid reality show that makes me laugh, or get myself moving. One of my favorite pieces of advice that I got from someone was to make a list of things that make you feel normal. So simple but so powerful when you're living in a country/place where everything really isn't normal to you. Such a great tool to have that's really been a life saver for me. So binge-watching YouTube videos in bed, listening to Bachelor podcasts, forcing my friends to vent about their drama, making the same meals I eat at home - all things that make me feel normal :)

Lastly! This new journaling/blogging thing I have going is actually so so helpful for me. The more I do it, the more I realize it's really just to process things for myself? So I genuinely have no idea if this is interesting for anyone but myself to read, but it helps me put words to how I'm feeling and can be a good progress tracker (why I used the title Mental Health Pt.1 because I knowww they'll be more to come). So thank you for being my audience!! Any advice or suggestions is more than welcome :)

Feel free to FaceTime me on your lunch breaks so I don't have to keep bothering the same people, or send me letters in the mail because I've started a little mural on my wall to keep me thinking positively :)