January 3, 2022
I'm starting to write this as I sit at my desk before my first class on Monday...running on 4 hours of sleep. I feel like that should say enough. I'm definitely still jet lagged, which was to be expected. But I was definitely NOT expecting the rush of emotions and anxiety I suddenly have after arriving back here in the Czech Republic only 3 days ago.
I remember just 2 weeks ago that I was excited to go home, but didn't feel like I absolutely needed it. I even wrote about it in my last post I think? I just wanted to see some family but if they were coming here I think that would've been just fine for me. So it felt like a bonus going home - yay! And being home was great. It didn't feel super weird like I expected, except maybe for the first like 3 hours I was stunned by the English but then the shock quickly faded. When I got home I really felt like I was just there and easily slipped back into my old self. My sleep adjusted pretty quickly, I saw so many people right in the first few days, and got back into those old habits of getting coffee, sleeping in, going to Target, all the essentials. As the 30th was approaching (the day I was leaving the US), I felt a bit of nerves but nothing too crazy. I'd say I wasn't necessarily excited, but I wasn't really dreading it. I wished I had more time at home, but knew that I needed to get back eventually. So the 30th came and as I was packing everything, it suddenly felt like it was August again and I was doing this for the first time. I did the same routine of buying last minute toiletries, getting a final coffee with a friend, etc. The same emotions came back and I really didn't know why. Because I already knew what it was like there, I knew I was happy there, I knew my routine, and I knew I could do it. But I still felt a bit of this sadness and anxiety creep back. It's just never easy saying by to people or a place for an extended period of time.
So I get to the airport, and yes it was definitely harder to say bye to my family this time. But again I have no idea why! Like I'm 80% sure I'll see them at the end of February when they come visit which is not that far away at all. Like I've already done the hard part!? I kept telling myself February is soon, don't worry
about it too much. I met up with a friend at the airport who was flying the whole way with me, which helped a little bit to distract from my emotions. But with her feeling the same way, it still was on the top of my mind the whole time.
We finally landed in Prague and feeling super exhausted and hangry we managed to get ourselves an Uber and make our way to our Airbnb for the night. Keep in mind it's New Year's Eve haha. I think the next couple of hours it started to reallyyy sink in that we were back. After 10 days of a tease with my old life I think it just felt so sudden and overwhelming that nope, that's not real, time to get back to Czech life. And I think it also reminded me of all the small things I didn't realize were so different. When I'm here in the Czech I really don't do a lot of comparison, because it's not worth it. My life is so so different and I had this weird peace and ability to not compare and freak out. Well I can say that definitely faded for a couple days haha. I think being away for so long and then quickly jumping back into it reminded me of what it was like to really be myself, if that makes sense. That sounds super sad but I don't meant it that way. It's just 4 months of not really having the same sense of humor, the same basic communication style, the same relationships - mostly because of a language barrier. I was overwhelmed with the comfort of having people just get me.
And of course it's so much more than a language barrier. It's so deeply cultural. And those really go hand in hand I think. The quick switch brought out some things I've probably been suppressing for a bit because I've still been in this mode of "take it all in, it's all a new culture you need to experience". The types of questions I would get at home forced me to put some of it into words, admitting to the pretty difficult things I deal with on a daily basis - cue the rant on how racist and sexist this culture is. When I'm in Czech life is good...relative to a normal Czech life haha. But when you get into this mess of comparing it to the U.S. it just doesn't bode well for the Czech version haha. I found myself listening to my stories for the first time and sharing little anecdotes I haven't really retold before. And of course there are genuine happy moments and great times I don't want to forget about, but I also heard myself talking about the tiniest things as a "win" and comparing them to a "win" in the U.S...it's so different. I don't know if this is making any sense but all this quick switching and comparing helped/hurt to put things into perspective. Which is probably what's triggering some of these feelings.
Soooo coming back those first few hours were filled with the realization of these small things I really hadn't had before. We managed to make the most of NYE (which I have to say was such a great experience despite the sadness) and boost the morale for a couple hours to see the amazing fireworks in Prague. But still even in the midst of playing a game or two, genuinely laughing so hard, or watching the pure joy of the New Year, I still had these intruding seconds of "ugh". I really dont know a better way to describe it except just wanting to cry a little and let out a real "ugh" haha. The first 2 days I cried for the very first time since being here haha. Is that kinda impressive it took 4+ months, idk?? Just kidding, it was tough lol. The first couple nights also reminded me of this nice thing called anxiety that likes to creep in at the most inconvenient times. Lying in bed with a bit of jet lag for sure, my mind couldn't stop racing about all these worries for the next 6 months. I managed to convince myself I'd never get back into a routine, I'd never truly have fun, and I should just get through these next 6 months as fast as possible. I tried all my go-to remedies for an anxious sleep like listening to podcasts, desperately trying to focus on Headspace, or counting down from 1000 haha. It's the worst feeling of not being able to sleep and then worrying about my lack of sleep, which inevitably keeps you up even longer!! I felt like I was 10 again when I actually dealt with this a lot and kinda never registered that. This is the one time the time difference to the U.S. is kinda nice because I was able to do a quick panic call to my mom and at least have an updated Instagram and TikTok feed to distract myself with!
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January 6, 2022
Would you look at that, only 3 days have passed and I can proudly say I've already made some progress!! It's crazy how much I can work myself up over stuff like this and then it can really all change in just 72 hours. Things definitely aren't perfect yet, and they aren't entirely back to normal, but they're definitely getting better. And I'm finally getting sleep. Probably some sort of correlation there haha.
I've been getting back into the swing of things, going to school and easing into the lessons with students. I've gotten coffee with my mentor, done my usual volleyball club, and caught up with some other teachers over a drink or two. My framework is adjusting back to my Czech life/standards and it's slowly but surely feeling okay again. I still find myself seeing these 6 months in a bit of a different light, needing some good checkpoints to keep myself going but I think that's fair?? I know in like a month I'll feel so differently and want to stop the clock on this whole thing. Time really is moving fast considering at the end of the month it's officially half way over!! What!!
The first grocery trip back, the first coffee with a teacher, the first lesson I had - all those firsts gave me a new level of anxiety I hadn't really felt in a while. Those types of things became so normal that I really got comfortable being uncomfortable I think? Like, not understanding the cashier is a normal thing for me and I remember the very first time that happened it made me so anxious. I felt those same things again here in January. I'm still not sure what I used to do with all my free time? Right now I'm binging some YouTube and doing the lovely job search, but again, I'm sure that'll fade like it did just in December when I'd die for some free time doing nothing. I'm genuinely a little confused with my body and why I'm feeling the things I'm feeling, but I also think my body is just confused with itself too haha. It's really not normal to switch between these 2 drastically different lives and be totally adapted and fine in 3 days.
So I guess that's it for now! But as you can see so much has changed in 3 days so I bet in 3 more I'll have a new take on it all. I'm just glad the trajectory is going up and things are feeling more positive because it wasn't looking so hot for a day or two there haha. This adjustment was something I definitely wasn't expecting at ALL so wanted to document it all before I forgot how real those feelings were for a second.
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January 14, 2022
Alright guys we've made it out to the other side.
I'm so dramatic it's literally been 2 weeks.
I know I literally have nothing to talk about because 2 weeks is nothing while some people never fully feel adjusted, but it's amazing how your body and mind just kinda morph into these different lives you live and I found it pretty therapeutic to keep up to date with this quick transition. When I studied in South Africa I'm not kidding I felt these feelings for 2 days. That's it. And I wish I was kidding and had a more authentic experience to go off of but it just never happened because everything fell into place so perfectly and quickly. And I have to say even coming here in August I didn't have these exact feelings either. I swear it was only because of my grandparents being here in spirit with me. I don't know if there's any truth to that but from the day I arrived I felt this odd peace and familiarity with the places and people I was with. Who knows but I'm gonna stick with that reasoning haha.
So in 2 weeks I really watched myself get a taste of this culture shock if you will or something along those lines adjusting to a drastically different life. Still not perfect, but I fell 99% back to my Czech normal and finding this life to be pretty damn good. I think the fact that I'm already worried about how many more months I have in a "oh my god there's so much I need to do in these short 6 months" way is a pretty good thing haha.
Maybe if I find myself living in a brand new country or culture in the future I'll be able to look back on this and tell myself that I can do it. Because those self-doubting feelings get so real even though they may not last forever. They're so so real that I can see why and when people make decisions to back out of things or call it quits. And it makes sense. But I know I'm capable of doing it and proud of myself for getting over the hump no matter how big or small!
Feeling more positively now!! Only nerves now are about this week-long ski trip I leave for in 2 days with a bunch of students who are scared to speak English with me. Wish me luck with that one.